What are the unspoken secrets of being a happy couple? Or are there any?
Well, yes and no. Relationship challenges are predictable, as so are the solutions. But not every couple could deal with them. So, yes, there is some secret-like relationship advice out there. But no, they are not magic-like spells to save your marriage. They’re only effective if you—as a couple—apply them to your affair.
With that being said, here are my cherry-picked expert advice on how to be a happy couple.
Being a Happy Couple: The Susan Way
Susan L. Adler is an admired author when it comes to relationship issues. During one of her speeches in TEDx Talk, she revealed the 3 secrets of being a happy couple. Susan claims that her 30+ years of experience as a therapist helped her find the perfect formula. And the fun fact is that her method is quite simple. Overcoming anger issues, showing empathy, and choosing your words precisely seems to be it. However, here’s everything I learned from her speech.
1. Understanding Anger
Susan believes that “Anything But Anger” could save your relationship. She goes further to give it an acronym, ABA—like the music band with an extra B. So, according to her, one of the secrets of being a happy couple is following the ABA rule.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you should stop getting angry at your partner. That’s simply impossible. However, it’s possible to remove it from your fight toolkit!
Susan believes that anger is your #1 enemy when you use it as a communication tool. “It’s a bodyguard of emotion,” she says. So, not only is it helpful, but it also pushes your partner away.
A mutual understanding is crucial to fewer fights. You should realize that being mad at your partner is not a good excuse to hurt them. Plus, you need to learn that running away when your partner is outraged is a huge mistake.
Put your anger into words. But don’t let them turn into a two-bladed sword. Start with “I’m mad at you because…” instead of “I’m done with this.”
2. Empathy Over Indifference
Sometimes your partner is outraged, and you have to deal with it. However, many people fail at this task because:
- They start the “I’m the victim here” game
- They are like, “It’s none of my business”
- Or “I didn’t do anything”
- And “what the hell should I do?”
These are all different forms of toxic behavior—even if you’re right. Having a relationship is being a team. You don’t leave a teammate behind because “you didn’t do anything.”
Susan believes that “raising the bar” is the best approach to deal with your partner’s anger. Don’t panic. Don’t run away. And don’t play the victim. Instead, listen to your partner. Show empathy—and let them know that you care.
Indifference is the easiest path you could choose. But choose it at your own risk. Coldness does nothing but killing a relationship softly.
3. Hand-Picking the Words
Almost every relationship is built upon words. And most of them end because of the words as well. So, Susan believes that your language could define the future of your affairs.
She suggests the “I would love it if…” sentences to deal with verbal challenges. Sometimes all it takes to have a better relationship is to learn how to ask for specific manners/actions. And that’s when the “I would love it if…” structure comes into play.
One of the main mistakes couples make is to wait for their partner to ‘understand’ before giving them any clue. Or to get mad at their partner before giving them the chance to do what they want.
3 More Tips by an Actual Happy Couple (Dr. Andrea & Jon)
Andrea and Jon are much more than regular therapists. They created an organization to deal with family breakdowns. And they did it all while remaining a happy couple!
During their speech for an independently organized Ted Talk, they revealed their secrets of being a happy couple.
1. Take an Interest in the Differences Instead of One-Way Criticism.
Human beings are different. You could never find that one person who is exactly like you. And even if you did, it’d still be a challenge to live with a ‘duplicated you.’
So, instead of wasting energy over fighting the differences, take an interest in them. Try to discover your partner rather than molding them into what you desire.
Note: that doesn’t mean you need to get along with all the differences. It only means that you should look for the “why” before opting to change anything.
2. Set Boundaries and Never Cross Them.
You can’t get along with someone who disrespects you all the time. Dr. Andrea and Jon say, “We set some rules.” For instance, they have decided not to use ‘divorce’ as a threat. But your relationship can have its unique boundaries. You just need to stay loyal to them and encourage each other to hang on to them.
3. Avoid Assumptions—And Rely on Communication.
- “I thought you don’t love me anymore.”
- “I didn’t know you don’t like that.”
- “How the heck should I know?”
Are the abovementioned statements familiar? If yes, you should choose to ask over assuming. We often forget about the fact that we don’t know all about our partner. So, we start guessing things rather than asking about them.
However, one of the essential secrets of being a happy couple is avoiding assumptions. Communicate with your significant one. And make sure to hear their thoughts before predicting them.
Remember, questions are not enough. Your partner needs to feel safe to bring out their real personality and share their inner thoughts/feelings with you.
So, here’s an idea, take a Rice Purity Test as the first step. It’s a form of a quiz that exposes the dark sides of your character. If your partner feels safe to take these quizzes or any other similar online quizzes with you, they can share anything with you.
Final Words: Not Every Relationship Deserves the Effort
It’s never not-a-good-idea to look for the secrets of being a happy couple. However, not every relationship is meant to be. You should also learn when and how to let things go.
Toxic relationships are hard to improve. So, keep an eye on the signs. And stop fighting for an already lost battle when it’s about the time.
[Before You Leave]: Here Are More Secrets
Marriage and romantic affairs are one part of our lives—not the whole. So, don’t make it the center of your life. Living a satisfying life should be more than overthinking relationships.
Stop for a second and ask yourself, “am I happy with my life?” or “is it what I wanted to have?”
If yes, keep it up—because you’re on the right path. But if the answer is no, you might need more secrets! So, here are the 10 Secrets to Living Life to the Fullest.
